


a matter of survival

by armideatys



Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: F/F, Flashback, Past, Repressed Memories, coming to terms with herself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:41:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26711599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/armideatys/pseuds/armideatys
Summary: gwendolyn's advances aren't as novel to mildred than she'd let on. but the memory hurts worse the second time.
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched, Mildred Ratched/OC
Comments: 1
Kudos: 36





	a matter of survival

Mildred Ratched lived with regret daily, like a heavy devil perched on her shoulder. Some of them, she allowed to ride in the forefront; seeing her brother should have released the heaviest, yet she only felt further bogged down. She could feel the gnawing desperation growing denser; inertia had her settled in Lucia. She had to focus now.

As such, a few of those regrets had been repressed down and far, far away. For efficiency. Ratched had much to worry about without those smaller companions.

And yet, the enigmatic Gwendolyn Briggs brought one of them back to life—a terrifyingly insistent little thing...

A dyke bar. Of course, with her luck. She could barely look Gwendolyn in the eyes as she stumbled backward, only managing to recite the same words that she thought had closed this subject of her life for good.

“I-I’m sorry, I have to go.”

* * *

She had a similar tone of golden hair, maybe a bit lighter, its texture always a bit unruly under the waitress cap they were all compelled to wear. She had swanned up to Mildred on the ex-nurse’s first day, reaching up to deftly straighten the unfamiliar cap. Mildred hadn’t had the courage to point out the girl’s own untidy strands, only summoning enough courage to smile back at a warm grin.

“Catharine. Call me Cat.” She took Mildred’s hand and gave it a good shake. “Where’d ya come from?”

“Uhm. The war. I was a nurse on the Pacific Theater.”

“I mean, I was looking for a city, or a state maybe. But sure…Mildred?” She glanced down at her new name badge. “Mildred, from War.” She chuckled at her own joke.

“Okay, Millie of War. I’m supposed to train you but the duties are easy enough for the brain dead, and I can just tell you’re not.” Cat had already bustled off down the counter to grab the pot of coffee, pouring a couple refills for the men buried in their newspapers.

“When are you off?” the girl chirped. She seemed to never cease her chatter. Mildred followed her awkwardly down the line, only to be pressed back against the wall as Cat bustled past with hot plates of breakfast. She returned moments later, grabbing more dishes and gesturing for the new girl to take a couple as well. All five went to businessmen packed in the corner booth.

“At 1:30.”

“Oh, fantastic. I get a lunch break!”

Mildred hadn’t seen anyone more grateful for lunch hour than Cat. The hour struck and she threw down her apron. She wrote her own ticket and shoved it on the kitchen carousel before promptly hopping the counter and settling on a barstool just opposite of Mildred. She rested her elbows on the counter and her chin in her hands, peering at Mildred with a disarmingly curious expression. Mildred felt a slight flush rise in her cheeks.

“Well, Millie. You’re awful quiet.”

“Might not be, if you weren’t so awful talkative.” Mildred replied, trying a bit of wit. Cat’s eyes lit up impishly.

“Gimme some brew, woman.”

Mildred obliged. She watched Cat somehow gulp down the scalding drink.

“Trying to stay awake for something?”

“I have a bit of an event tonight, and I’m hosting. Not prepared at all. Yet.” She stopped talking to finish the mug. Mildred refilled it promptly.

“How are folks here?” Mildred asked, glancing out the window. The diner had suddenly slowed to a crawl, with only a couple tables grazing on their lunch fare.

“Busy. But nice.” The service bell rang, and Mildred brought her new friend (?) ’s lunch over to her.

“Thanks, doll.”

There was finally a bit of silence as Cat enjoyed her lunch. Mildred checked on the present tables. When she returned to the counter, Cat had already scrawled her name, phone, and address on a napkin.

“Come to my party. 8 PM.” It wasn’t a question, and Mildred wouldn’t had to have been asked.

* * *

The party was frighteningly busy. Mildred hadn’t been at such a gathering, perhaps ever. She worried she was dressed a bit plainly compared to the other guests, but it appeared that folks were just as young and cash-strapped as she was.

Cat grasped upon her as soon as she’d seen Mildred step into the apartment, taking her about the small couple rooms and, for lack of a better word, showing her off. The beer, warmth of a crowded party, and the feeling of her new friend’s arms and hands steering her through the crowd had Mildred a bit overwhelmed. This was more attention she was ever used to. They soon settled on the couch, and Cat began her amiable chatter with the friends huddled nearby. Mildred introduced herself and attempted to keep up with the talk, though she mostly found herself watching Cat in her element. How could someone be so at ease, so effusive?

“Millie, darling. I do love how you do your hair!” Cat turned her attention to Mildred suddenly. Her fingers swept lightly down the tightly coiffed curls pinned against her head, tracing all the way down to the nape of her neck. Mildred suppressed a shiver at her touch. She felt the other girl’s warm breath against the same spot, and this time she froze up. “And you smell marvelous.”

“Cat, take it easy on her!” One of her many, very cool and intimidating friends laughed. Mildred was too caught up in the way her heart was skipping to notice the coy glance they exchanged.

“I could never pull off your styles. Let alone create them!” She patted down her own, much less orderly bob. Mildred turned to press the half-curls gently into some semblance of order, and this time it seemed Cat was slightly flustered.

“I need a top up.” Cat waggled her empty bottle. She grabbed Mildred’s before she could protest, emptying the last dregs of beer into her own mouth and grinning. “You do too. Let’s go.” Mildred’s heart thrilled as she felt the other woman’s hand pressed against the small of her back.

They launched into a conversation over their new beers in the hallway (about absolutely nothing in particular, Mildred would later remember). All she would recall with absolute certainty was the way she was drawn to the other woman, first just conversationally, but also physically, until she found herself holding Cat’s hand in hers, practically sinking into those blue eyes. Conversation in the living room swelled, laughs drowning out the last of Mildred’s sentence.

“Sorry, dear, what was that?” Cat murmured, leaning in to a proximity that set Mildred’s heartbeat off once again. She feared the other woman could hear it.

“Never mind.”

Cat leaned back just enough to look her in the eye, her gaze quizzical. Almost daring her. Mildred, from what she would later insist to herself was the sin of inebriation, pressed her lips to Cat’s.

This hunger was sated and bloomed, something Mildred had never anticipated until it was borne on the other woman’s lips. Mildred’s hands cupped Cat’s face, and they kissed deeply. She realized Cat’s left hand was fumbling for the bedroom door behind them, and Mildred gave it a good shove, sending them half-stumbling into the dim room. Cat switched on the single bedside lamp, and they fell onto the bed, Mildred’s heart thumping in her throat and her skin flushing hot. She straightened up, straddling the other woman and tugged her sweater off over her head, if not just to cool down. She met Cat’s admiring gaze and leaned down to meet her lips again. She felt her shirt being unbuttoned, and reciprocated the favor, until she could feel the other girl’s heartbeat just as rapid as her own. Her skin was so soft.

Mildred wanted to forget herself in this wondrous other person, wanted to feel how far this thrill, this dangerous elation, could carry her. Cat’s hands were dexterous, addictive. Her eyes fluttered shut as they danced across her collarbones, tugged her shirt open a bit wider.

She hadn’t realized the attention had stopped until she heard her name.

“Millie,” Cat was whispering, voice almost overtaken by the rest of the party outside. “Mildred.” This time at a normal volume. “Shall we shut the door?”

Mildred started at the reality of her own name, eyes flying open. The warmth dissipated as soon as it had settled, leaving Mildred Ratched with shock and growing terror.

“Cat…” She looked down at herself, immediately fumbling to button her blouse back up. Cat sat up as she backed off of her and away from the bed. “What is happening…”

The other woman had her hands up in a gesture meant to reassure. “Millie, you’re okay.”

“No, no.” Mildred snatched her sweater from the bedroom floor, hugging it closely. Cat was hastily rebuttoning her own top, hopping off the bed and reaching for her. Mildred flinched.

“Millie, please—”

“Do not touch me! That—that is not my name.”

She immediately felt a pang of regret, noting how the coldness of her tone immediately deflated Catharine.

“I…I’m sorry. I’m sorry Cat.” Mildred began to back out of the room, almost running into an oblivious partygoer. “I have to go.”

She couldn’t bring herself to hear a response, the image of the other woman’s shattered expression seared into her mind as she hurried into the cold street and flagged a taxi, wiping away tears that would not stop coming.

* * *

Mildred gritted her teeth against the same agony, this time years-festered, yet cut open anew. She rolled down the window of the taxi, gasping the redwood forest air between suppressed sobs. She could feel the taxi driver’s curiosity in the rear view mirror and tried to cover her face in vain. The shame was acute again, a burning spotlight on Mildred Ratched, a woman who had only ever survived by hiding.

Yet Gwendolyn had seen more of her than she’d ever cared to show.


End file.
